Where has all the good spam gone?

My junk email and spam filters seem to be doing a good job these days.

Sigh.

It’s just not the same as before — the times when I could write long posts about the Penis Enlarge Patch, dreaming of the day I could get freelance work writing taglines for the PEP boys.

white finger pointing RBTW, if you missed the comment on that post by Cats and Beer, the PEP marketing geniuses have come up with 300+ taglines already!

But that was then, this is now.

I’m still receiving emails with variations on the same “I’m a criminal disguised as a greedy bank or finance officer who wants to split millions of dollars with you” theme, so I thought I would present to you my top nominees for Greedy African Bank Officers of 2007.

Hey, with the writers strike, the Oscars may not be much better. Take what you can get.

The “Delighted to Trust You to Trust Me” Award

I received encouraging information about you and how trust worhty you are. I am delighted with such a useful information.I am the manager of Auditing and Accounting department of BANK OF AFRICA (B.O.A) Ouagadougou Burkina faso. I Hoped that you will not expose or betray this trust and confident that i am about to repose on you for the mutual benefit of our both families. I need your urgent assistance in transferring the sum of ($20.5)million to your account within 10 or 14 banking days.This money has been dormant for years in our Bank without claim…

The “Happy Chaps/Old Friends…Have We Met Before?” Award

GOOD NEWS !!!!!!!!
Your share of USD$5.5M my dear good Friend How are you and your family,hope that every one is fine and healthy?,What is the situation of life for now because i have not hard from you since and i dont know that condition of life for you at the moment.Please make sure that your family are well taken care off ok.
Well I’m happy to inform you about my success in getting those funds transferred under the co-operation of a new partner from Los Angeles. Presently i’m in Los Angeles for investment projects with my ownshare of the total sum. meanwhile,i didn’t forget your past efforts and attempts to assist me in transferring those funds despite that it failed us some how.
Now contact my Account officer his name is ACCOUNTANT JOHN E PECK (CPA) on ( mregoodluck@hotmail.com ) and ask him to send you the total of $5,500,000.00M usd (FIVE MILLION FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND UNITED STATES DOLLARS ONLY)which i kept for your compensation for all the past efforts and attempts to assist me in this matter…

The “I’m A Legitimate Business Partner, That’s Why I Like to Get Down to Business” Award

Note: apparently Hong Kong is another region for trusty, enterprising financial officers looking to make an extra buck.

Complements of the Season and a Happy New Year to you, although you may be skeptical receiving this email as we have not met before, I am Mr. Patrick K.W. Chan (Executive Director and Chief Financial Officer) of the Hang Seng Bank Ltd., nevertheless, I have a business proposition involving the sum of $24,500,000.00usd in my bank which I know we will be of mutual benefit to both of us, and I believe we can handle together, once we have a common understanding and mutual cooperation in the execution of the modalities…

On the other hand, we have the I Can’t Get to the Point Soon Enough Because I LOVE Listing New Acronyms and Irrelevant Facts” Award

Dear Business Partner,

My name is JUSTIN KOKU , the Chairman of Independent Committee on Unclaimed Foreign Funds (I.C.U.F.F),Senegal ICUFF is charged with the responsibility of finding foreign bank accounts abroad belonging to our late citizens which have remained dormant/unclaimed over the years.It may interest you to know that In 2004, A list of dormant accounts originally owned by our citizens was and sent to our country’s government.Some of these dormant accounts belonged to our late citizens of Senegal.

The continuing efforts of the Independent Committee on Unclaimed Foreign Funds (I.C.U.F.F) has since resulted in the discovery of additional dormant accounts,securities accounts, safe deposit boxes, custody accounts,non interest bearing accounts. A routine notification has been sent from a security firm abroad to my office to make available the beneficiary for the claim of US$12.5 million belonging to one of our late citizens. The depositor died several years back leaving no possible records for trace of heirs. I need a foreign partner to ASSIST claim this deposit as the beneficiary…

[many sentences later]

SEEING IS BELIEVING.THERE IS NO RISK INVOLVED.YOUR MAXIMUM COOPERATION NEEDED. I am pledging to give you some percentage of the total value of the said deposit for your assistance . I want you to immediately contact me and I will furnish you with more information about the process of transfer to you…Do note that who you are does not matter and you will be better informed when I hear from you.

And the award for Best Invocation of Evangelistic Guilt, Best Sob Story, Most Times a Crook Has Taken the Lord’s Name in Vain, and Strangest Misuse of Punctuation goes to:

Greetings in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ,I am former Mr Humaru Alihu, now Mr Christian James, I am now a new Christian convert,suffering from long time cancer of the lungs. From all indications, my condition is really deteriorating and is quite obvious that I may not live more than six months, because the cancer stage has gotten to a very severe state .My Wife and our only son was assasinated in a cold blood on the 15th of October 2007.Well my late Wife was very wealthy and after her death, I inherited all her business and wealth ,and now that i am very sick and my only Son is died. And my personal phsician told me that i may not live for more that six months due to the fact that the cancer stage has gotten to a very severe stage i don't belive Him, but i am so scared about this, well i know our Lord Almighty is in full control of everything.

So, i now decieded to divide part of our wealth, by contributing to the development of Evangelism in Africa, America, Europe and Asian Countries.This mission which will no doubt be tasking had made me to recently relocated to Israel. Where i live presently.

I selected your Church after visiting the website for this purpose and prayed over it and i got your email ID through email online in your Church, So now i am willing to donate the totla sum of $19.5Million US Dollars to your Church/Ministry for the development of Evangelism and also as aids for the less privileged around you...Please, do not reply me if you have the intention of using this funds for personal use other than enhancement of Evangelism. Lastly, i want you/your Ministry to be praying for me regards my entire life and my health because i have come to find out since my spiritual birth lately that wealth acquisition without Jesus Christ in one's life is vanity upon vanity...

Gosh I missed you spammers.

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3 thoughts on “Where has all the good spam gone?

  1. Madame and Elizabeth: I would agree that the Evangelistic Guilt email is extra icky. My personal favorite, though, is #2, the Old Chums one: “Hi, how are you? How’s the family? I was so glad to hear that Martha got into UCLA this year. That’s great! Wait…you don’t actually know me, but I’m a really NICE guy/gal you’d like to know, so that makes it ok!”

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