Email confuses me

As you know, I get great joy from having an overflowing inbox of new email. (I have to compensate for that fact that no one calls me on my cell phone except for my parents and all I get are bills and catalogs in the snail mail.) All of these messages — the special promises of enhanced sexual pleasure, better mortgage rates and more worthy degrees of higher education, heck, even an offer to become a U.S. citizen! — well, they make me feel…loved. Desired.

Confused.

Because honestly I don’t understand some of them…do you?

Example 1

Hi there

I mend my love relationship over eight months but it all takes just one night to lose her to a another guy who got bigger than my [manhood].

(Sorry, my father is beginning to think I just like to blog so I can write the word penis a bunch of times. I will try to be a bit more demure about the whole thing.)

Okay, this email brings many questions to my mind about the author:

1. Was he forced to mend his love relationship because…

a) He spent too much time sending spam to unwitting and unwilling recipients;

b) In doing (a) he accidentally emailed this message to his girlfriend’s mother;

c) He was too preoccupied with his smaller than spamworthy manhood to work at the relationship; or

d) He just completed an 8-month “Improve Your Grammar and Business Writing Skills!” course. (Perhaps he could get a diploma for this, as described in Example 3 below.)

2. It takes only one night to lose her? What kind of slut are you dating, sir? Honestly, work on your self-esteem and get a decent girlfriend.

3. Let me get this straight, the guy is bigger than your penis schlong ample manhood? Isn’t this sort of stating the obvious? Jesus, I hope so because otherwise we’re talking about some dirty Ken doll your slutty girlfriend likes to keep in her coat pocket.

Moving on.

Example 2

Thanks, we accepted your appication

Your credit score does not matter to us!

If you have your own business and need IMMEDIATE money to spend ANY way you like or wish Extra money to give your company a boost or wish A low interest loan – NO STRINGS ATTACHED, here is best deal we can offer you TONIGHT (hurry, this offer will expire TONIGHT):

$32,000+ loan

Hurry, when the deal is gone, it is gone. Simply Call Us…

Do not worry about approval, your credit score will not disqualify you!

That’s funny. The next day I got the same offer for $52K. Then one the next day for $50K. Then one for $28K, then $64K… When the deal is gone it is gone. Until it comes back like a bad case of plantar warts.

BTW, could I use the loan to hire this one a copywriter with a spell check program?

Example 3

Your new Diploma!
No examinations!No classes!No textbooks!
Call to register and receive your qualifications within days!

I’m confused. (Or should I say “I’m confused!”) Do I get a pink pony with my B.S., too?

Example 4

Dear Future Partner,

My Name is Dr.JOHN.J.MORRISON; I work as the head of Fund Manager Executive [impressive title] with Fidelity Investment International [sounds familiar to me, so must be reputable…] and would like to know if you will be at my disposal to strike a risk free deal with me. [What if I’m in the john? Not really crazy about the control thing.]

I have used my position as the Fund Executive Manage[r] to divert the sum of £45,745,000.00 from our Investor’s Capital Management Funds under to my Portfolio and hereinafter would like to know if you are interested to work with me to receive this funds in your account without any legal implication attached. [Um…you lost me at hello. What did you say about legal implications?] Our sharing ratio is 50:50 since it is a fair deal. [Yes, that seems fair. Until I go to jail while you sit in a Nigerian internet cafe in new clothes.] I will provide further information on the above subject matter upon the receipt of your favorable response. You can as well enclose your direct
telephone numbers for discussion of this offer in further details. [Actually, I’d like to introduce you to my friend Eliot Spitzer…]

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4 thoughts on “Email confuses me

  1. We have an excellent spam blocker but now I feel like I’m missing out some excellent emails. There is real entertainment value there!

    Oh, and this is for Dr. John J. Morrison — I have a pretty strong feeling that after that email gets out you will no longer be the Fund Manager Executive. Thanks for thinking of us, though! Maybe next time. HA!

  2. Penis!
    The whole reason he needed to mend his love relationship was that he zipped his penis up in his jeans! the relationship was with himself. But then, sadly he lost out to a bigger dick than himself.
    (Sorry to your dad for this comment!)

  3. Madame Queen, my spam does go directly to the junk email box, but I may have to up the security requirements. Then again, what would I write about?

    Mini, nice play on words. My dad forgives you. Me? I’m guessing he and my mother are thinking they should’ve sent me to Catholic school instead of going the public route. Then again, they know I was a good traveler in the car on long drives, generally stayed out of trouble, and didn’t end up as one of Hef’s Girls Next Door, so I can have a little fun.

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