After receiving the fantastic, encouraging responses to my last post, I’ve decided to follow my calling in a new roll: that as Spam Artist.
I know, I know. It’s inane, but I’m tired and without anything interesting in my life to write about tonight. I’ve decided to use my skills of interpreting, dissecting and editing emails for the common good, not evil…and, let me tell you, after receiving dating emails like some of these, it takes a lot of restraint to wield the red pen lightly.
So, below is one from a few weeks ago that I saved for my blog, knowing it would come in handy one day.
Email me your spam. We’ll have some fun.
Penis Enlarge Patch will change your penis from gray and unnoticeable to bright and colorful
Observations / Questions
- I do not have a penis.
- If your penis is gray and unnoticeable, doesn’t this mean you have bigger problems – like that you’re dead? (I’ll leave that to the guys to answer.)
- I’m not sure bright pink, lime green or rainbow tie-dye is a good look for anyone.
- Would the color change with each erection?
- Do you think you can choose your color palette to, um, match your skin tone and hair. Example: I am a Summer/Cool palette. But I don’t have a penis, so it doesn’t matter.
- It always bugs me when “the” is not used as a definite article before a product name containing a noun. Example: “Penis Enlarge Patch” … Shouldn’t this be “The Penis Enlarge Patch”? Unless of course “Penis Enlarge Patch” is trademarked and becomes a common household brand name, like Kleenex. Then it doesn’t matter what the hell they call it.
- I had to use my honking Chicago Manual of Style to figure out the “the” definite article thing. It’s quite a handy book.
- Why is there no punctuation at the end of it? If anything needed an exclamation point this statement is it. It comes off as so gray and unnoticeable without one.
- If (the) Penis Enlarge Patch takes off (so to speak) they could abbreviate it to PEP or PEPPY! Those are much catchier, if you ask me.
- Obviously they need a marketing expert like me to help them out. And a more targeted mailing list.
By the way, this one was sent to me today…
“I know we have not met in person but I have a very profiting proposal which I am sure you can handle…”
Yeah, baby, I can HANDLE profiting proposals!