An Andy Warhol Moment

After receiving the fantastic, encouraging responses to my last post, I’ve decided to follow my calling in a new roll: that as Spam Artist.


I know, I know. It’s inane, but I’m tired and without anything interesting in my life to write about tonight. I’ve decided to use my skills of interpreting, dissecting and editing emails for the common good, not evil…and, let me tell you, after receiving dating emails like some of these, it takes a lot of restraint to wield the red pen lightly.

So, below is one from a few weeks ago that I saved for my blog, knowing it would come in handy one day.

Email me your spam. We’ll have some fun.

Penis Enlarge Patch will change your penis from gray and unnoticeable to bright and colorful

Observations / Questions

  1. I do not have a penis.
  2. If your penis is gray and unnoticeable, doesn’t this mean you have bigger problems – like that you’re dead? (I’ll leave that to the guys to answer.)
  3. I’m not sure bright pink, lime green or rainbow tie-dye is a good look for anyone.
  4. Would the color change with each erection? color-wheel.gif
  5. Do you think you can choose your color palette to, um, match your skin  tone and hair.  Example: I am a Summer/Cool palette. But I don’t have a penis, so it doesn’t matter.
  6. It always bugs me when “the” is not used as a definite article before a product name containing a noun. Example: “Penis Enlarge Patch” … Shouldn’t this be “The Penis Enlarge Patch”? Unless of course “Penis Enlarge Patch” is trademarked and becomes a common household brand name, like Kleenex. Then it doesn’t matter what the hell they call it.
  7. I had to use my honking Chicago Manual of Style to figure out the “the” definite article thing. It’s quite a handy book.
  8. Why is there no punctuation at the end of it? If anything needed an exclamation point this statement is it. It comes off as so gray and unnoticeable without one.
  9. If (the) Penis Enlarge Patch takes off (so to speak) they could abbreviate it to PEP or PEPPY! Those are much catchier, if you ask me.
  10. Obviously they need a marketing expert like me to help them out. And a more targeted mailing list.

By the way, this one was sent to me today…
“I know we have not met in person but I have a very profiting proposal which I am sure you can handle…”

Yeah, baby, I can HANDLE profiting proposals!

The Big House


11 thoughts on “An Andy Warhol Moment

  1. I was going to suggest that the color change with mood, like a mood ring, but then I realized that for the most part if we have an erection we’re probably happy, so there goes that idea.

    As a webmaster, I get about 1000+ spam messages a day, so I’ll send the best on to you.

    Also, have you ever seen any of the sites where people actually reply to Nigerian email scammers? There are some hilarious exchanges — the receivers play along with the scam, all the while requesting more and more outrageous things from the scammers. For example, one recipient made up a story that required the scammers to perform the Monty Python “parrot” sketch. Here’s the result.

  2. Also, hopefully I’ll get one of my favorite spams to forward to you in the near future. Apparently, among my other inadequacies, I’m not, umm…oh, hell, there’s no way to be coy about this…apparently I’m not delivering enough ejaculate.

    This particular spam promises to double the payload, so to speak. Now I’ve had many, many complaints in regards to my performance over the years, but I have yet to find the woman who wants MORE of that particular substance. (Feel free to edit or remove this post if I’ve gotten a little too graphic here.)

  3. Huh. I haven’t received the tie-dye, penis envy spam. I always get the ones where the chick is looking at this huge shlong (sp?) and her eyes are as big as saucers. You know, the penis enhancer spams. Those always get through our spam guard for some reason. Its especially welcome when my 8 year old is peering over my shoulder as I open my email.

    Ah, the curses of Al Gore’s Internet.

  4. All of this talk of Spam and penises (peni?) is making me dizzy. And that’s all that I have to say about that.

    What really amazes me is that you took the time to individually change the font color on every single letter of “rainbow tie-dye.” You’re a woman on a mission.

  5. Um..okay so how do we get the penis patch? You did not say? Mine is so noticeable that I have yet to find it. It sure would be helpful if it was colorful! Who thinks of these marvels!

  6. Bob, the video is priceless. Good for the scambaiter! As for the other subject matter, well, I’d have to see the output (of the email) first before deciding whether I can (or should) take on the challenge. Jessica, fortunately I have not received any emails with photos…then again, I only accept emails in plain text format. Now I know why. Minivan B, I don’t know how to get the patch. There must have been an 800 (900?) number included in the original email, but I lost track after the whole color my world thing. Finally, Lulu, I’m sorry this made you dizzy! It is true that once I got started I began to feel a bit like my son in the number of times I worked “penis” (his word choice is “weiner”) into the post. Woman on a mission? More like woman without a life, at least that night. 🙂

  7. Brian at Catsandbeer – Wow. That’s all I have to say. Nothing to do with size people…except of the list of variations for the PEP headlines. That took a lot of work on someone’s effort to come up with all of those!

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