Since I’m not really dating at the moment (you’ll see why), I’ve decided that we all need a good laugh, and what is better than reading about other people’s embarrassing moments? I’m getting too old to worry as much about this kind of stuff, and, frankly, I find it quite liberating to not care. So I present you with a 3-part series of
Humiliating Embarrassing Dating Tales of Susan’s Past. (Note that I decided these are more embarrassing than humiliating, thankfully. Then again, “ass” is in the word, isn’t it?)
The first is only a few hours old.
I broke down and went to the grocery store tonight to pick up my dry cleaning and some food to restock my Refrigerator Gone Bad. (Last night was the last straw when I discovered that my jar of mayo had formed a large ice chunk in it and was filled with a strange yellow gel that did not look much like mayonnaise. I will only say that a shriek escaped my lips when I read the expiration date.) Anyway, it was smooth sailing through the store until I met the Cute Guy.
Yay, me! Me, finding a cute guy in the grocery store! This was right out of one of those articles written to make singles feel better about their lonely lives and their you’d-just-as-soon-be- struck-by-a-meteor chances for finding a date.
I was feeling good seeing him. I was dressed pretty well in my work clothes. My hair was brushed (and cut oh-so-stylish); my lipstick still on somewhat. We exchanged one of those glances that isn’t supposed to look like you’re looking and passed by each other. We saw each other again in another aisle. He glanced at me, then my cart, and moved on. Perfect! Just like the movies. In the next aisle we might even speak!
Then I realized Cute Guy had seen the following in my cart:
(4) boxes of Hershey’s Dark Chocolate Sticks – because I like chocolate and I decided to stock up for at home and work. So shoot me.
(1) family-size package of Pringles snack-sized cups of potato chips – because the kids like them with lunch. Yes, the kids.
(1) large box of mothballs – because I plan to put them in the mulch to ward off raccoons, cats and other animals. It is not because I have larvae growing in my closet, although I’m sure this is what Cute Guy thought. For the record, they don’t sell these in small boxes.
(2) packages of maxi-pads and (1) value-size box of tampons – because I don’t see menopause happening anytime soon.
Cute Guy did not see the other items buried under My Odd Collection of Grocery Items – the skim milk (“she must be healthy!”), sushi (“so hip!”) and wheat pita chips and hummus (“okay…well…whatever. what is in that stuff anyway?”)
The magic of the moment under the fluorescent lights was gone, just like that.
I also forgot to bring in my environmentally friendly canvas grocery tote bags from the car and had to use plastic. Sheesh.